Lemon Story (NSFW)- "I Neeju Right Now" (saved from previous forum loss)

[Zigra]

Okay, this is one of my first attempts at a fanfic, so keep that in mind with your criticisms Also, there are a couple things you should know before you read this-

- The tone of the fic is suppose to be humorous and tongue-in-cheek. I didn't take it too seriously when I wrote it, and you guys probably shouldn't take it too seriously when you read it

- This story takes place it a different continuity than what you guys are familiar with. It's still technically the TM! continuity, but OAV 3 happened radically different in my universe (and I hope to write about it someday), and the individual who got the harem is not Tenchi (thought Tenchi is still a part of that harem). Keep that in mind when you read this. Edit note: I should clarify that the individual who gets the harem is an established TM! character, not, say, some idiotic SI character.

- Finally, anybody who read this before the forum move and posted a reply should probably do so again this time around, as I may not have gotten to read your replys before stuff got lost in the move. Thank you 

[Zigra]

 "Oh yeah, that's it!" Neeju whispered to herself.
The former high priestess was playing voyeur. She was peeping through the crack in a doorway, watching as Seina was getting a little action. He laid with his back on a bed, sweating furiously as a beautiful green-haired woman was busy riding him in reverse. The look on his face as she pounded harder and harder on his manhood was priceless.
Neeju herself was getting closer and closer to climax, her hands between her legs, before the door suddenly shut. She looked up to see Kiriko, wearing nothing but a bath towel, staring down at her.
"That's not fair, Kiriko!"

                                                     * * *

Neeju stormed downstairs, Kiriko following her.
"Look, Neeju, you know you shouldn't be peeping in on something so...private."
"Oh, come on! I should get to have a little bit of fun, considering how I'm the only one getting left out of those so-called 'private' matters!"
The green-haired girl sat down on the couch, her arms crossed in frustration. Kiriko looked at her in sympathy and put her hand on the girl's shoulder.
"You know it won't be like that forever. Seina just can't bring himself to do such....things....to a girl who hasn't even turned eighteen yet."
"Cut the crap, Kiriko!" Neeju snapped, "First of all, I'm not really sixteen. I'm well over 2000 years old! Second, even if I were only sixteen, it would be perfectly legal in this part of Japan. This whole "wait until she's eighteen" garbage is something you'd expect from some ignorant American fan fic writer!"
"And besides," she went on, "it's not as though I'm a virgin anyway."
The two of them remained silent for a moment, the memory of that horrifying bachelorette party giving them chills. Then they cocked their heads upward at the sound of a door being kicked open.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE, SEINA!!???"
"Utsutsumi! What are you doing here??!!"
"Oh, Utsutsumi, dear, how nice of you to join us!"
"That's my wife you're screwing, asshole! Why don't you fuck one of your own wives?!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Oh my!"
"Mitoto, how did you get in here?"
"I don't know...."
Neeju and Kiriko turned their attention away from the unfolding drama and back to the matter at hand.
"Look at it this way- Seina loves you, but he needs to express his feelings in his own way, when he is ready. And if you really love him, you can't force these feelings out of him."
'This coming from a woman who use to fight along with the others over the guy like he was a trophy' Neeju thought to herself bitterly.
"I really need to go now." Kiriko said as the shouting upstairs got even louder, "Just think about what I said, okay?"
As she was left alone in the living room, Neeju realized that she was still hot and in the mood for satisfaction. And she would get it done one way or another.
                                                         * * *

"Oh, fuck yes! That's the spot!"
In the middle of the woods, not far from the Yamada residence, Neeju was busy gratifying herself.
"Yes, Seina, fuck me! Fuck me harder!"
She was bent over, mimicking the doggy-style position, while her hands were between her legs rubbing her womanhood faster and faster. She was almost at the point of climax, when suddenly she heard a rustling noise from the grass next to her. She looked up to see a wide-eyed little girl with ghostly white skin, pale blue hair, and blue eyes staring at her. She immediately recognized Sylia, the five-year old daughter of Sasami and Ifurita, who lived not far from the Yamada residence.
"Lady Neeju, why are you pretending to make a baby?" the girl asked.
"Sylia! Where are you? Don't run off like that!" called out a woman whose voice Neeju recognized as Akasha Bloodriver, another wife of Sasami's wives.
"Mama Akasha, you won't believe what I just saw!" Sylia called out as she ran off back into the woods.
"I can't get a break!" Neeju muttered to herself. It looked like she was going to have to go elsewhere to "finish off".

                                                 * * *

Neeju didn't know where she could go. There was no privacy back at the house, and apparently not even the woods were safe.
"Well.....shit!"
"Excuse me?"
She turned around at the sound of the voice. In that moment, her jaw nearly dropped. He was cute, that was for sure. Long hair tied in a pig-tail, delicate facial features, dark hair and brown skin. He reminded her of a little bit of Tenchi, yet somehow different. Judging from the large backpack he was carrying, he had to be some sort of hiker.
"Oh, umm......I....just seem to be lost." she answered. It was the quickest explanation she could come up with.
"Mmmm hmmm, sure. " he said back with a sly smile, "Are you sure you didn't just have some fight or disagreement with your boyfriend or family and run off in anger?"
Neeju was struck dumbfounded. While that wasn't exactly the case, it wasn't too far off from the truth, either.
"Eh, yeah, you got me," she admitted, "I had a little.....family disagreement, and I wandered off for some alone time".
She decided not to tell him that she really ran off to find some private place to masturbate, and that she was still "in the mood", but it seemed as though he read her mind there as well.
"You know, if you're having issues with your boyfriend or husband, I can certainly help you out there....."
They paused for a moment and looked into each other's eyes.

                                                       * * *

Later, inside a tent, Neeju had something inside her. She lay on her back, while her new "friend" was on top of her, with his arm wrapped around her while he thrust his manhood into her womanhood.
'This is so much better than a vibrator' she thought while she moaned each time he jammed into her.
At least, they climaxed together, and he emptied his testicles inside her. The then laid down on her while she stroked his hair.
"So," she started in, "what's your name?"

                                                      * * *

An hour later, Neeju ran back to the house. What had she done? She always wanted to give herself up for the first time (or rather, the first time that counted) to Seina. But instead, she had given herself up to this complete stranger. And it was good. Gods help her, it was good. It was so good, that despite her guilt over the matter, she still took the stranger's phone number.
"Well, well, what to we have here?" a voice called out from behind as Neeju snuck down the hallway. Neeju knew that insidious viper's voice anywhere.
"Oh, Seto, hi. Umm, you see, I was just off doing my daily meditations."
"Yes, that must have been quite some meditating you did to get your hair all ruffled like that."
"Indeed. You never know when your going to accidently summon some eldritch abomination." Neeju giggled nervously.
"Now, Seto, I really must get to my room. That meditating tired me out quite a bit."
As the former priestess hurried off, the Devil Princess grinned evilly.

                                                   * * *
Three days had passed, and Neeju couldn't stop thinking about what she had done. It felt so good, yet she couldn't get over the guilt. She couldn't shake the feeling that she betrayed Seina. But why should she feel that way? It's not like Seina is exactly being faithful to her. Or even showing her any of the love he shows to other women, for that might. Right now, in fact, he was busy getting his carrot waxed yet again.
As Neeju pondered that last fact, she heard the door to Seina's room being kicked open yet again.
"My God! Ikaros, what are you doing in bed with that guy?!"
"Oh, hello Master. I have been studying the human concept of humor and Mikako told me that the look on your face would be hilarious if you saw me doing this."
Neeju couldn't take it anymore. She took out her cell phone.

                                               * * *
She found herself in that same spot in the woods yet again. She didn't have to wait for long. A pair of hands came up behind her and cupped her breasts, and she felt a mouth begin to suck on her neck as she was then carried away.

                                                             * * *

As she lay naked under the covers with the stranger's arms around her, Neeju's thoughts were elsewhere. That fact did not go unnoticed.
"You seem like you're a million miles away, my dear. Did that back door action not excite you?"
"Oh no, that was excellent." she replied, "It's just that.....I don't know........I'm kind of frustrated."
"I understand. You enjoy what we do, but you still love your husband and wish he would let you do this all with him."
Neeju was surprised at his insight, almost as if he was reading her mind.
"Yes, you're completely right. Seina can be a pathetic dipshit sometimes, and from what I've seen he doesn't seem to be as good in the sack as you are. And yet, I can't stop thinking about him. No matter how much fun you and I have, he's the one I think of at the end of the day."
The stranger considered her words for a moment.
"You know, if your husband is, like you say, not good in bed, why not teach him a thing or two? You've become quite the animal with me, so I'll bet he could learn quite a bit from your.....experience."
She thought about it for a moment. That would be a perfect way of showing Seina that she wasn't the child he thought she was. But how would she go about doing that when she couldn't get Seina to touch her in the first place? Then an idea struck her.
"Of course! After all these years, why didn't I think of it sooner?"
"So, you've finally figured out how to mend things between you and your hubby?"
"Yes indeed! You know, it's ironic, but being with you may have actually made my marriage to Seina stronger."
"Well then, if you really wish to go back to him, I want to make our last time together all the more memorable for the both of us."
Neeju then felt something powerful and stiff jam itself into her crotch from behind and moaned in delight.

                                                                    * * *

"Oh, why can't they just play nice for once?"
Seina was bruised at battered. He was home after battling more space pirates and getting caught in the crossfire of his wives' bitter fights with one another. In other words, a typical day for him.
He made his way to his bedroom, hoping to finally have some peace and quiet for once, and not get caught up in another fight. He began to push open the door. So far so good. Then, he saw something he didn't quite expect, even after all the strangeness in his life.
"Hello big boy!"
He was greeted by a familiar looking woman sprawled out on his bed, wearing a kinky and revealing leather outfit that he'd never imagine this woman wearing in a million years.
"Kiriko?! How the heck did you get home so fast?! And what are you doing in that outfit?!"
"Don't try to think too much about logistics, my love. After your hard day, I just want to make things even harder...."
Before Seina could say anything more or protest, he found her lips locked to his, and her tongue going down his throat. It was already the best kiss he ever had.

                                                               * * *

Seina's jaw remained wide open, lying naked with Kiriko. That was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. He couldn't believe that Kiriko had that in her all this time.
"My god, Kiriko, that was amazing! Why have you never done anything like that with me before?"
"A priestess never reveals her secrets." she replied with a devious smile.
"Huh? What?"
Suddenly, the door was kicked open. Three women burst into the room. If Seina's jaw was wide open before, it just got a whole lot wider. Standing before him were Amane, Ryoko B., and........Kiriko.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!!!!!!" the Kiriko in the doorway screamed.
Seina, in shock, turned and looked at the woman next to him. The grinning image of Kiriko next to him began to get destorted and blurry, and soon it was replaced by the form of a teenage girl that everybody in room knew all too well.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO, NEEJU???!!!" Kiriko yelled, her face red with rage.
"Why, I finally got to let Seina express his feelings in his own way. And it was wonderful!"
Seina blushed in that moment.
"Neeju," he said meekly, "you were.....really good. I never knew you could be such a good lover."
"AAARRGGHH" Kiriko screamed some more. She tried to lunge at the green-haired priestess, but the other two girls held her back. "LET ME AT THE LITTLE BITCH!!! I'LL RIP THOSE GIGANTIC BOOBS OF HERS RIGHT OFF HER CHEST!!!!!!!!"
Neeju's grin grew as she embraced her husband.

                                                           * * *

Neju wasn't the only one grinning. Watching from a hidden camera, the Devil Princess of Jurai was highly entertained by the drama in Seina's bedroom.
"Well, it looks like your plan worked." said a voice behind her.
"Yes," she replied, "it seemed far fetched at first, but I was able to push Seina and Neeju together at last. And you did your job remarkably. I will pay you well for it."
The stranger smiled.


                                                       END

[Gaston]

I think you all ready know I found your story good. Wrote more. 

[جبريل 無道]

- This story takes place it a different continuity than what you guys are familiar with. It's still technically the TM! continuity, but OAV 3 happened radically different in my universe (and I hope to write about it someday), and the individual who got the harem is not Tenchi (thought Tenchi is still a part of that harem). Keep that in mind when you read this.

Oh, you should just out and say it's Tsunami's harem.  The way it's worded, it sounds like some crappy guy OC swooped in and has it.

[جبريل 無道]

"Cut the crap, Kiriko!" Neeju snapped, "First of all, I'm not really sixteen. I'm well over 2000 years old! Second, even if I were only sixteen, it would be perfectly legal in this part of Japan. This whole "wait until she's eighteen" garbage is something you'd expect from some ignorant American fan fic writer!"

This is my favorite part of the fic:)

"And besides," she went on, "it's not as though I'm a virgin anyway."
The two of them remained silent for a moment, remembering that bachelorette party that they usually didn't care to think about. Then they cocked their heads upward at the sound of a door being kicked open.

You should clarify this, it probably gives the way wrong idea as it is.  Read the rest of the fic.  Oh never mind.  Not that it matters anymore.  But then that part makes no sense and seems to contradict what you stated earlier.  You need to clarify just for that.

In the middle of the woods, not far from the Yamada residence, Neeju was busy gratifying herself.

I asked this with the MK doujin and I have to ask again, don't these people have bedrooms.... or bathrooms<.<

Your writing improved a lot, I think you could post this to fanfiction.net if you edited out some of the more graphic smut.  You should be ready for bigger and more ambitious stories now, although practicing with short stories is always a good idea and maybe you should keep doing that.  Although I can't say I personally like this story at all, actually I completely hate it as it has 0 Tenchi feeling, and would probably anonymously flame it if I were to see it from someone else on ffnet.  It reminds me a lot of the humor of another past author too much, whose stories I went out of my way to avoid - despite them being posted on AFC all the time.

Jibri's normal response to a story like this:


Contained, barely.  Well, that's all I can offer right now.

[Zigra]

- This story takes place it a different continuity than what you guys are familiar with. It's still technically the TM! continuity, but OAV 3 happened radically different in my universe (and I hope to write about it someday), and the individual who got the harem is not Tenchi (thought Tenchi is still a part of that harem). Keep that in mind when you read this.

Oh, you should just out and say it's Tsunami's harem.  The way it's worded, it sounds like some crappy guy OC swooped in and has it.

Perhaps. Thing is, I kinda wanted to make it a surprise. But, I suppose I could have at least stated that it was a canon TM! character who gets the harem.

You should clarify this, it probably gives the way wrong idea as it is.  Read the rest of the fic.  Oh never mind.  Not that it matters anymore.  But then that part makes no sense and seems to contradict what you stated earlier.  You need to clarify just for that.

I'll think about it. I kinda wanted the events of the bachelorette party to be vague and even ominous, as I intend to write a story about it in the near future.

I asked this with the MK doujin and I have to ask again, don't these people have bedrooms.... or bathrooms<.<

There's no privacy anywhere in the Yamada house. Which goes to show you how ridiculous and even hypocritical Kiriko's little lecture was, as nobody respects anybody's privacy anymore, and she really shouldn't have been letting into Neeju for it.

It reminds me a lot of the humor of another past author too much, whose stories I went out of my way to avoid - despite them being posted on AFC all the time.

Funny, I read a number of Jeff's stories, and I don't recall one quite like this. But then, maybe he just didn't post his dirtier stuff at the AFC XD

[جبريل 無道]

You should clarify this, it probably gives the way wrong idea as it is.  Read the rest of the fic.  Oh never mind.  Not that it matters anymore.  But then that part makes no sense and seems to contradict what you stated earlier.  You need to clarify just for that.

I'll think about it. I kinda wanted the events of the bachelorette party to be vague and even ominous, as I intend to write a story about it in the near future.

It doesn't sound ominous, just scandalous.  To make it ominous, the girls shouldn't should shudder from memories of that violent night or some such thing.  Again, I don't think referencing works that aren't even out nor the readership ever be in position to connect the dots yet is all that good.

Funny, I read a number of Jeff's stories, and I don't recall one quite like this. But then, maybe he just didn't post his dirtier stuff at the AFC XD

Not like this story, just the same type of humor.  Like when Tenchi married Ayeka and Ryoko, and he had Tenchi pass by Sasami's door where something kinky was obviously happening, she was a swinger, and invited him in with a wink   I kinda never read anything of his again after that.

Maybe I'm like a christian prude from the way I was raised, but I just don't enjoy that type of thing done to characters I'm really attached to or even in general.

Now stop making roadblocks to submitting it to FFnet, take out the graphic parts, and submit it there to get some feedback.

[Zigra]

Maybe I'm like a christian prude from the way I was raised, but I just don't enjoy that type of thing done to characters I'm really attached to or even in general.

But, you see, the difference between me and Jeff is that I don't do this sort of thing with characters I'm attached to. I don't even support what happens in this story like he apparently did with Sasami in his story. I don't care about most of the GXP cast anywhere near as much as I do the girls I'm putting in Sasami's group. In fact, this story, and other stories I want to do involving GXP characters would be done mostly for the sake of showing just how dysfunctional Seina's group really is in order to contrast how far, far more idealistic Sasami's group is. I hope that clears things up.

Now stop making roadblocks to submitting it to FFnet, take out the graphic parts, and submit it there to get some feedback.

It's not a roadblock, I'm just very hesitant to put anything there. FFnet really pissed me off with their rules, and while I could arguably get more readers posting there (though it didn't help Gaston with his story), I feel like I'd be selling my soul by altering any of my writings just to pander to their bull**** rules.

[جبريل 無道]

...while I could arguably get more readers posting there (though it didn't help Gaston with his story)...

What doesn't help Gaston is that he's writing for eccentric harem crossovers for deadish fandoms.  Fine, if that's what he wants to do, but I gave up that long ago, because I told myself, "If I'm the only one that reads and enjoys it, I may as well save the trouble and keep it in my head."  He should really do short stories and polish up one chapter rather than spew out the amount of material he does.  It would help with his english and he can do several really good ideas that readers may enjoy rather than a 100 that only he really likes.  (Though I not he got 2 reviews from people other than us, one just recently).

The piece of advice I gave to him was to write for Harry Potter, where you can get away with all sorts of eccentricities, because the fanbase is so huge.  But that's where he can't come up with an idea<.<

But that's really the crux of it, at some points, whether it's a minor editing of the smut or not carrying every idea through because it may scare away too many people, you have to compromise from time to time to reach the reader to build an audience.  I and Gaston can't be your only audience.  Your current level of writing deserves more than that and it should also be obvious by now that I'm extremely picky in what I like, and beyond technical advice, not very good at testing ideas on because I have such a specific and narrow idea what TM! should be.

[Zigra]

But that's really the crux of it, at some points, whether it's a minor editing of the smut or not carrying every idea through because it may scare away too many people, you have to compromise from time to time to reach the reader to build an audience.  I and Gaston can't be your only audience.  Your current level of writing deserves more than that and it should also be obvious by now that I'm extremely picky in what I like, and beyond technical advice, not very good at testing ideas on because I have such a specific and narrow idea what TM! should be.

You're really misunderstanding me, here. I can compromise with an audience just fine. What I refuse to compromise with is a disgusting draconian website that actually believes sex is worse than murder. If I wanted to post my stories in a place like that, I'd start writing for Neo-Nazis and Westboro Baptist Church followers. FFnet disgusts me, and as much as I'd like to get to a wider audience, I'm not going to lower myself to their "standards" to do so.

[جبريل 無道]

I know you were writing about.  It's just that I don't think a boycott is successful.  Harry Potter fanfiction sites can cruise along but there aren't any other Tenchi fanfiction site :/

[Gaston]

Zigra, do you know it place ?

http://adultfanfiction.net/

The piece of advice I gave to him was to write for Harry Potter, where you can get away with all sorts of eccentricities, because the fanbase is so huge.  But that's where he can't come up with an idea<.<

I have many idea for Evangelion who also has a huge fanbase. Do you want help me ?

[Zigra]

Zigra, do you know it place ?

http://adultfanfiction.net/

Nope, I wasn't aware of that site. I'll look into it

[جبريل 無道]

Idk Gaston, I hate trying to have input on shows I know nothing about.  Is the idea involve putting Shinji with Kaworu?

And Adultfanfiction.net is dead.  Go put a chapter in it, but currently one of the recent (meaning most recently submitted, not actually that recent) stories has 0 reviews and like 9 chapters in TM!.  Seems like a waste of time.